Holy Fire
by Hekate1308
Summary: It's like being chained to a comet, a constant fire running through your veins, like you are burning, but burning in the most painful ecstasy, and it never stops. Jimmy Novak character piece.


**Author's note: This has been on my mind for a while. **

**I don't own anything, please review. **

It's like being chained to a comet, a constant fire running through your veins, like you are burning, but burning in the most painful ecstasy, and it never stops.

There was a time, right after you had allowed that your body be used as a tool of God, when you didn't feel anything. When you were simply unconscious.

You're thankful for it, now. You don't want to remember your body walking away from your house, your family, your life.

But after a while – maybe one, maybe two weeks, it's so difficult to tell when you are not master over your own body – you became aware, you hear, you saw, you _felt_.

And you still do. You feel your body move without permission, you hear a voice that's not yours come out of your mouth, you see strange places and people through your eyes.

And all the time, it hurts. It hurts and yet it feels so indescribably wonderful, awful euphoria coursing through your veins, wonderful pain rushing through your body.

You didn't think it would be like this when you aid yes.

Then again, you didn't really think about how it would feel.

When Cas first spoke to you, you were euphoric. All your life you had been devout, had prayed to God, a God most people didn't believe in anymore. But then an angel spoke to you and you knew you had been right all along.

You were hurt that your wife wasn't as honoured as you were. That she thought you were crazy. At the time you were convinced you were doing the right thing. So you left. And you begged Castiel to keep your family safe.

You will remember the moment it happened forever, because in this moment, all you felt was pure joy. The Grace of an Angel of the Lord was touching your soul, and you felt alive, felt that you had been chosen to serve God.

And then, later, you woke up and realized what it was truly like, how it felt to be a vessel.

You didn't believe then that Cas was waking you up on purpose, you still don't. He was kind when he spoke to you, and as far as you can tell, he is still trying to do the best for everyone involved. Maybe possession is a difficult thing to control. Maybe it just happens, and suddenly you are awake, and you're drowning in blissful agony and watching, and he can't do anything against it until his Grace knocks you out again, and history repeats itself.

At first, you were awake only for a few second, a minute at the most, barely long enough to think or feel; but recently, you've woken up more and more often, for longer periods of time; you suspect it has something to do with Cas growing accustomed to your body –

Cas. You can't remember when you picked up the nickname this man, this hunter, gave Castiel; you certainly can't read the angel's thought, and he's never tried to communicate with you, not once, since he's started using your body, but you remember when you saw Dean for the first time. It was just a glimpse, and the delightful pain you were feeling was too much so you didn't pay attention at the time, but Cas was using your mouth and telling him something about sigils, and you were waiting, waiting for him to use this man's name, because you wanted, needed to know, because you wanted to feel alive, human, again, if only for a second, and then he did, and you felt more ecstasy than briefly, and Dean looked back at you, no, at Castiel, and looked – scared? Confused? You couldn't say, and then you slipped back into unconsciousness.

Ever since then, you have seen more and more of Dean and his brother, and occasionally you have caught glimpses of faraway places and heaven, and every time you do, every time you are awake, it feels so good and yet it hurts and all you can think of between the pain and the ecstasy and Castiel and the Winchesters is your family.

Amelia. Claire. You left them, and an angel is possessing you, and you are starting to think that you will never see them again, and you are beginning to wonder how you could ever believe that angels were good and pure and guardians of humans when they are warriors of God.

You've pierced together the glimpses you got of what Castiel has been doing in your body, and you know the Apocalypse is near and that he and the Winchesters are trying to prevent it.

Other angels, angels who obey Michael, are trying to make sure it happens, and you have come to realize that you are a fool.

Angels aren't guardians, and just because God made them it doesn't mean they are good. Michael wants to destroy the planet, for no other reason than it was written down a long time ago; his followers, as far as you can tell, as far as you see, don't question his orders, and Castiel –

Castiel does what he thinks is best. When you are conscious, you can tell that he's beginning to doubt. You wish you could tell him that doubt is good. If you had doubted, you wouldn't be here. Cas wouldn't have taken your life away. You would still have Claire, you would still have Amelia.

And they think they are better than humans. They obey blindly, and they take everything, and they expect others to be grateful for it.

You wonder if he can feel how bitter you've become. You wonder if he knows that you sympathize with the Winchesters. You think angels are dicks too, by now.

And you wonder if he knows. You wonder if he can see your memory, knows who Claire and Amelia are, knows what he has done to them, to you. Sometimes, you wish he does. Sometimes, you wish he could feel your pain.

He is trying his best, however.

You can tell that much, can tell that Cas desperately loves this earth his Father created, loves people, and furthermore, is experiencing more and more emotions. You suspect this might have something to do with you being awake longer. His control is slipping, feelings are washing through his Grace, and he doesn't know what to do except to watch over Sam and Dean.

You are getting used to it, to only live for a few short moments, and then not really aware of it because you are trying to catch everything that is being said while thinking about your family and ignoring the pain and ecstasy that is rolling over you, and you can't say if that is a good thing. Half the time you think you are crazy. Anyone willingly going through this must be crazy.

Do angels know what their vessels go through? More importantly, do they care?

But suddenly, none of it matters.

Because Cas wants to talk to Dean, and somehow it has to be a secret, because he shows up in the hunter's dream instead of the Winchester's motel room, and you wake up and there is a lake and it hurts in such a wonderful way, and the scenery is beautiful, so much more beautiful than you believed Dean Winchester could imagine, and then you are someplace else, and two men – you don't know them, but they must be angels, because Cas is talking to them in this voice that is so much lower than yours, and you feel like you are falling even though you can tell your body is being pulled up –

You wake up in a cold, dark place, and find yourself speaking to people you don't know but still feel like you do, and you had forgotten how good it felt to eat and drink and mover your own legs. It all seems so much more intense, even without the constant pain; you never appreciated the feeling of water running down your throat before.

Sam and Dean are handling the situation as well as they can, and in a way you feel sorry for them.

They trust Cas, and they need the angel they know, not a human who was weak enough to be proud to be an angel's vessel and to leave his family behind.

You understand Sam's reasoning, but you can't help but hate him for it. You don't belong with them. You belong with the two people you love more than everything.

Dean understands you, even though he wishes Cas back, and you like him for it. It's not that Sam doesn't understand you; Dean shows it, and that's what counts, now that you unexpectedly gained the chance to make things right.

They are good men, you know that, and still you leave, slip out of the room, because all that matters now is your family. You have your body back, you want them back. You want your life back. You have given enough. You are done. Others can take care of the Apocalypse.

The moment you see Claire through the window, you hate yourself more than ever. How could you ever think anything was more important than this? That something you hadn't even been sure existed until it called out to you counted more than Claire and Amelia, than the people you love most?

A miracle happens and Amelia lets you back in and you get to talk to Claire, to your daughter, your everything, and you start to believe that things might just be alright.

And then demons attack and it is your fault. If you had never said yes, none of this would be happening. If you hadn't listened to Cas, your family would be safe.

But you did and you know that the Winchesters are your only hope, the only ones who can save them.

And they do. You know they are mainly doing it for Castiel – that they are hoping he will return soon – but, no, that's unfair. They help people. It's what they do. And Amelia and Claire – they are innocent. It's not their fault that you were crazy enough to say yes.

It makes you see sense. You have to leave them. For their own safety, you have to go with the Winchesters.

You will never see your little girl again.

And it's no one's fault but your own.

You lie to them, but you don't know if you do so to make it easier for them or you. Either way, you leave, you get in the old car and leave everything you've ever loved behind.

If only it were that easy.

If only you could really have left and the demons would have followed you instead of going after them.

Alone, raging in the dark, screaming at the sky, you find yourself hoping, just for a moment, that Castiel is dead. And that it hurt.

You don't care that you just wished torture on an angel of the Lord. You have gone through enough, and now your family is suffering because of you even though Castiel promised that they would be safe. He lied to you.

He comes back. He comes back just when all seems lost, and he takes Claire.

Your daughter. This angel you trusted so much is ready to put Claire through the same he has put you through. You stare into her eyes and beg.

Beg him to take you because you know, even if she's not awake right now, she will wake up soon enough and won't be able to scream, to cry out for you.

Castiel does, and you have never been more relieved.

You don't know how long you are unconscious again, but when you wake up, it seems that the Apocalypse is almost here, and you find yourself wishing that it will end. That this will end. You are tired, and you have given enough.

Dying doesn't hurt nearly as much as living with an angel in your body did. You wake up for one last time – see a bright light – and then you are standing in the house you grew up in, staring at the cradle of your new-born daughter, your mother who died long ago beside you.

Amelia is in the living room, looking like the day you met her, and you understand that this is Heaven.

You are living through your memories. Your best memories, of the times when you didn't know about angels and the Apocalypse.

It's beautiful, and yet you worry about your family. They should be safe now though, now that you are gone.

And maybe you will see them again.

Strangely enough, you worry about Castiel too. Did he die with you? And where do angels go when they die?

It doesn't matter, you realize. Even if Castiel is alive, he doesn't as much as spare you a thought, you are sure.

And you won't start worrying about him. You are at peace now, or as close to peace as you will ever be.

Sometimes one has to be thankful for what one can get.

**Author's note: This turned out sadder than I expected. Then again, I don't know why – I wrote a story about Jimmy Novak. **

**Oh well, hope you liked it, please review. **


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